Campervan Rant!

Ok so it sounds like a good idea, " Let's get a campervan and travel round New Zealand it will be brilliant!" but the reality of it has taken me back to the days of weekends in Caravan sites and reminded me of the very reason why I vowed never to spend a night in a mobile home ever again!

I'm definitely in the Jeremy Clarkson camp of thinking when it comes to caravans and more importantly the caravanning community. You know the type, they've been doing this for years, packing their stuff up on a Thursday evening, transferring contents of their kitchens, bathrooms and garages into the van so that they can get off early after work on Friday and avoid the traffic (or hold up the traffic). When they get to their field in the middle of nowhere it's time to unpack everything, plug in the electric, turn on the gas stove, make the tent outside and then sit back in the fold up chairs drinking a nice cup of tea in a plastic mug and nodding knowingly with a nice smile on their face at their fellow campers, maybe even inviting them over for a bit of cake and a night cap.
Well what made me think this would be any different in New Zealand I don't know but believe me it isn't, caravanners are the same the world over. In my head I had the idea of pulling in by the beach, having a swim, getting a barby going and getting sloshed with some other like minded young traveller types because you know everyone travels in camper vans in NZ. Little did I know it's pretty much illegal to stay overnight anywhere that isn't a holiday park place and that all the other campers are essentially not like minded but more from the purple rinse, nosey neighbour fraternity.

Pulling into the first site on day one of this adventure confirmed my fears. Maybe I should've listened to the woman at the time she was giving us the instructions on what to do with the van but after 3 hours of kiwi drawl my ears were bleeding and my head had developed a repetitive nodding motion. We were given a site in between two caravans and job one was to reverse this 6.6metre beast into the said space. I could feel the stare of the curtain twichers as they eyed up the new arrival but after a couple of re-adjustments I managed to carry off the reverse park and gain myself some temporary reprisement. Right, next job, plug in the electric and turn on the gas. Got to be a piece of cake but wasn't quite as simple as i'd imagined. Firstly the electric cable didn't reach the socket which meant driving in and out again and secondly I couldn't work out how to pull the step down at the door so had to keep climbing in and out of the van. The twitchers had multiplied and were having the most fun they'd all had since old Harold had guessed the exact weight of the cake at the 1994 Christmas fete.

After managing these feats I dived back in the van and decided that I didn't even want to think about what needed to be done with the waste water hose. Using the campground toilets was the answer. Mind you once you're in it's by no means over. These things are designed for people one inch thick and 3 feet high. You have to enter the all in one bathroom sideways. I nearly garroted myself on the grill handle about 4 times in the 'kitchen' area and in order to make up the bed you have to disassemble the dining table. It made the krypton factor look simple!

We have now had the van 5 days and are yet to empty the toilet. I'm kind of hoping the girls are doing it as I type as I have disappeared into Christchurch for the day and left them to it! The sink was half full with water and I think we may need to do something with the waste water hose but exactly what I have no idea of so again get out of the way for that. With 2 and a half weeks to go in this and another arrival in Tobey tomorrow i'm thinking of treating myself to a couple of nights in a hostel in Queenstown at the weekend. You'd think the training I had as a temporary member of the East Yorkshire Caravan Club would've bode me in good stead but I tell you right now if anyone ever sees me step foot in a mobile home after these 2 weeks are over you have my personal permission to shoot me!