Festive Frolics and all that Bollocks

Well I hope the festive spirit is abundant in all of you back home now that work has ended for most. I'm sure the motorways are filled with excited or depressed folk scurrying back to their family homes to spend another season stuffing faces, pulling crackers and laughing at Grandma snoring in the armchair after her festive fill and one too many sherries. Ahh the prospect of another yuletide watching my Uncle Brian pull twenty pound notes out of his Christmas pud and losing to my nephews and nieces at indoor golf is enough to harbour thoughts of booking a flight back but alas the 30 degree heat, abundance of beautiful people and free buckets of samsong and red bull are just about holding me here.

The festive spirit is in full swing on Ko Phi Phi. Myself and my Swedish pal have been sharing a double bed with the Bloomer sisters for the past 4 nights and we have also purchased ourselves some fancy santa trousers and hat and have been rampaging through the island like a couple of festive magnets. It's amazing how the site of a slightly portly northern santa has the girls pining to sit on a knee and enquire as to what santa may have in his sack. I really think our man from Lapland knew exactly what he was up to when he decided on the red suit. Seriously a bit of fancy dress go's a long way, although most of you are aware that i'm always been a big advocate of the fancy dress approach.

The island here is fantastic and is rammed with a proper party atmosphere in full flow. It's half full of Swedes, with loads of English and then a plethora of other randoms from everywhere and everyone is well aware that it's lash o clock. Now apparently the Swedes celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve and so we're booked in for a lavish Swedish feast tomorrow and then the traditional English munch on Monday and we've gathered a good crowd of legends to celebrate in style. Myself and the Swede have organised a treasure hunt and been shopping for the girls presents (we look after them here) and so that's on the cards for the morning, maybe a trip to The famous Beach in the afternoon and then dinner at 6pm, it's gonna be a cracker!

Before I head off to Don my santa suit for another night on the tiles I would just like to wish you all a very merry Christmas and i'll be in touch before the New Year. May santa empty his sack with everything you could ever wish for.

Ho Ho Ho!

For Mum

Sat here now on this paradise isle
Enjoying the days ticking by
Time to reflect on life all the while
Brings thoughts of a tear to my eye

Almost 9 years since my mum passed away
I wonder what she'd think of me now
Sat gazing to sea in a year full of play
I think she'd be wondering how

But it's her who I credit for having this chance
And it's her who inspires me most
It's her who put hope and belief in my dance
And who sent me to take up this post

She gave up her life to live it through me
And then lost it before she had time
To witness the result of her lifes history
And the mountains she helped me to climb

I still see her eyes as she sat there and died
Her last whisper of breath saved for me
And I know that she'll always be sat here beside
Making sure i'm the person i'll be.

License to Dive

Now i've always been a fan of diving but have never before attempted the true form of the sport and instead been much more inclined to keep it to the bedroom. However with a little bit of persuasion from my buddy and a small proportion of machismo kicking in I decided to enrol myself on the 4 day Open Water Dive course and it wasn't too long before I was beginning to ponder the consequences of this brave/ridiculous decision.

Day one was theory based and involved watching the kinds of videos anyone who has ever been subjected to a health and safety course has had the misfortune of witnessing. Add to this a kind of real world version of Jaws all being narrated by an overly enthusiastic Steve Irwin lookalike and you can forgive me for not being overly excited about my forthcoming 3 days.

Aftr little sleep day 2 had yet more video and tests and then it was out to shallow water for the afternoon to familiarise ourselves with the gear and a few 'basic' techniques. Basic was the word used but I soon realised that it was me who was defining this term as opposed to the techniques as immediately upon submerging myself in the water I began coughing and spluttering like an 80 year old asthmatic in a students dormitory. Forunately for me the instructor showed some great patience and day two passed eventually with me able to breathe at the very least underwater.

The fact that my 21 year old female buddy was taking to this like a veritable mermaid did not leave me best pleased and the impending knowledge that day 3 was to hold the first 2 of our 4 dives was leaving the snippet twitching at a rapid rate of knots. Sleep yet again was deserting me although this could be due to the lack of beer (not good form to drink before diving) yet I fear it was 99% down to the fact that I hadn't been this scared since Michael Sumner had threatened to smash my block in at Junior school (for note he is currently serving life for murder so my fear there was purely justified!)

However something remarkable happened on day 3 of this adventure and as soon as we had descended for our first dive the whole experience just seemed to feel completely natural. I would even go so far as to say I bloody well enjoyed it and after a picturesque tour of the aquatic underworld I was left thirsty for more. Dive 2 did not disappoint either even when I got within 2 feet of a blue spotted stingray only slightly smaller than the one that brought our antipodean animal annoyer to his untimely death.

Today was the final day and 2 more dives were on the menu but this time we were going deeper, 18 metres in fact. Again it came as a pleasant surprise that the whole experience was thoroughly enjoyable and the sights of the underwater world were totally breathtaking (well actually not breath taking as I would not be here now if I'd failed to breathe) but you know what I mean. No sharks viewed unfortunately but shedloads of other marine life and I actually feel chuffed as a puff with two arseholes (as Coddy would delightfully put it) at my past 4 days experience and achievements. Thanks must go to my buddy Emily who not only stayed super cool throughout but also looked very appealing in and out of a wetsuit and also to the Big Bubble dive team legends. However, before I get the oscar speech out I think i'm running low on air so i'll love you and leave you in the knowledge that I am still alive and I dived under water almost as well as I do under the covers!

Fox Force 12

Twelve days in the company of the illustrious fox came and went quicker than a whippet down your trousers but what a tremendous 12 days it was and I would like to thank Tommy for the following experiences in no particular order.

1 - Motorcycle madness - After the initial shock allowing me the amusement of seeing him pick himself up off the gravel of Ko Pha Ngan after one of the much talked about moped accidents that grip this nation. Now he will tell a different story and no doubt lay the blame at my door but it wasn't my ass on the tarmac and after going into one of his infamous daydreams he failed to notice me slowing down for an elephant and skidded on the wet patch leaving the majority of his hand, elbow, buttcheek and ankle on the ground. 2 days in and not the best of starts.

2 - Living like a king - I have definitely been the best looked after traveller in Thailand for the past 2 weeks and after stays in such luxorious palaces as the Ko Tao resort, beachside penthouse in Ko Pha Ngan and an absolute temple in Samui it is back to a 4 quid a night white room avec mozzie sheet tonight and I have to say i'm not particularly over the moon at re joining the slummers!

3 - Being the oldest man on the beach - yet still returning there night after night to out drink, out wit and even with a bandaged up ankle and elbow pretty much out dance the youth. The sight of the Worcester flick on the beach at the full moon party will live in the memory eternally.
4 - Rediscovering my mojo - Already mentioned previously but it's still here and I thank you for bringing it back.

5 - The 2 hour lunchtime slot - Much appreciated for allowing me the penthouse even though it was peeing it down with rain and you were dying for a shit. That's the mark of true friendship buddy and it didn't go unnoticed.

It's a sad day in Ko Tao now the fox has departed. He even managed to get himself a bit of colour in the past week and actually resembles a healthy looking specimen. I will miss the familiar banter, free accommodation and the fact that I am no longer the second oldest man on the islands. But onwards the journey must go and having extended the stay in Thailand for an extra 3 weeks it's off to Krabi on Friday if I'm still alive after my diving experiences tomorrow and Thursday. Fingers crossed!

Ugly Man - 9/10/06 - bangkok

Old and young, Same same
At home unloved, never in the game
Arrive in Bangkok, different story
Every day is morning glory
Walks down the road, feels like a king
Beautiful girl on arm, everyone looking at him
Who can blame the unfanciable man
Now he's reached his promised land
At home couldn't pull for love nor money
Now he's got his pick of every honey
Two fingers to his country, life is sweet
Now he's off for a ladyboy for a bit of a treat

Thai Island - 9/10/06 - Bus from Bangkok to Cambodia

A small chunk of land in a faraway place
Once an oasis of calm
The western world is beginning to spread
And cause irreconcilable harm

The tourist arrives swathed with riches galore
A tree that is bursting with cash
And all of the locals, worlds greatest salesmen
Offer everything from pancakes to hash

The family work ethic of this developing nation
Is something to admire and respect
But you cannot escape the underlying sadness
Which is filled with remorse and neglect

Neglecting the childhood of a six year old girl
Selling flowers in the street late at night
Remorse for the grandmother slaving over the stove
After seventy years in this fight

You come to appreciate the power of family
As they strive to put food on the table
A team working tirelessly reluctant to sink
Whether near to the grave or not far from the cradle

Whether ethically correct or morally sound
People will find a means to survive
And life carries on in this Thai paradise
It's what keeps the Thai islands alive

The fox has landed

And I tell you it's good to see the pasty old fella. He came bearing gifts of salt n vinegar hula hoops (no discos left!), orange lucozade and sports mixture and would you believe it the sly old dog even managed to bring my mojo over with him as well!

Yep the blog has been lacking (as many of you, mostly male, have pointed out) in tales of a debaucherous or just slightly more salubrious nature and this is largely for good reason. There've not really been any to report as the boy Freel has unfortunately stumbled upon a sizeable barren spell. Anyway since El Silvero reached foreign shores it seems that the old glint is back in the freel eye. With wingman on board it appears I am slightly more desirable to the opposite sex.

This could be for many reasons but I've managed to narrow it down to the following:

- Tommy is whiter than a scotsman and as such it makes me look like Frank Bruno. The fox's torso has not seen a ray of sunlight since 1963 on a weekend break in Cleethorpes and bless him after a day in the sun today he's gone a little bit pink on his belly!

- Tommy is older and wiser (and clearly a lot wealthier) than the majority of these traveller types. This is helping in many ways. The standard of accommodation is greatly improved and tomorrow we are moving in to an absolute palace for the next few days. The wise old fox is also seen as a mentor for all the young girls who are missing their daddies whilst travelling and so they are attracted by his paternal qualities. But in the main it's all probably about the money. A lot of the people over here would do anything for a hot shower.

- His copy of Heat magazine - i'm telling you if any of you boys are planning a trip to Asia bring a bagload of girly mags with you (not that sort off!). Heat, OK, Top tips for great lips, lotion devotion, celebs in beds and whatever else those things are called are like gold dust in these parts and can be traded on the traveller exchange for numerous favours!

- He's a good looking lad - can't really see that.

- His razor sharp wit and sparkling personality and chat - hahahaha.....

Anyway whatever the reason long may it continue. I'm off now to wade my way through the gaggle of 21 year olds that are swarming outside this cafe. Wonder if there's a back entrance round here...