Jack Osborne My Arse!

If that fucked up American bat munchers son can do it then so can I! That's pretty much been my motto thus far in NZ and in my first week it's seen me leap off a perfectly stable 50m platform head first towards the river below with just a giant laccy band tied to my ankles, brave white water eel infested rapids in a giant rubber ring and hop out of a perfectly sound plane from 12000ft with a Canadian rock dude strapped to my back! I've now arrived in Rotorua and will be bundling down a hill in a giant ball and speeding down some mountains in an old school souped up go kart today, tough times!

I shit you not I have never bricked it as much as I did when presented with the opportunity to bungy. After doing that the rest has been a joy and a breeze and sky diving yesterday was absolutely sensational. I'm now debating becoming an instructor and living the life of a skydiver for a couple of years, all it will take is a few more grand in the account (any willing investors?) and maybe some extra time in NZ!

As many of you are aware heights are not my most favoured of places. Generally speaking I get a nose bleed at the top of the stairs so finding myself peering down into a gorge from 50m up was not particularly filling me with excitement. It was big Si's idea to stop and have a look and as soon as we stepped out of the car all 4 of us knew we wouldn't be getting in again until we had leapt off a ledge! Half an hour went by as we sidestepped the prospect of signing up, watched a few people and generally attempted to dodge the subject but eventually we all bit the bullet and paid the 100 dollar fee to make the solo jumps!

The faces above tell a story literally minutes before attempting this ridiculous idea and behind that forced smile lay a very very nervous individual. The only way I was going to make this jump was to make my peace with God.

That done I was at the edge in no time and without wishing to delay any longer decided I was going first. No-one else had an option on this but to be fair all seemed quite happy. As the kiwi boys tied the band to my ankles informing me that no-one had ever soiled themselves on their bungy I took a deep breath and looked everywhere but down. Seconds later I was at the edge (still looking to the heavens) and I heard the immortal 3,2,1 and I was off with the most rigid belly flop you have ever seen, my heart in my gob and my snippet twitching like a hungry squirrel! The first bounce saw me catapulted back into the heavens and I eventually remembered to open my eyes to find myself being tossed around like a rag doll on the end of a lassoo. To say I enjoyed the experience is questionable but by bounces 2 and 3 I was acclimatising and the relief of being alive and realisation of what I'd done allowed me to soak in the moment. I was lowered into the boat below and the awaiting kiwis declined the offer I had thrown out at them as i'd toppled over the edge. My loud cry of "F*ck me" apparently wasn't to their persuasion and relief hit me for the second time in a minute.

The after buzz was amazing and I sat back and watched the 2 Emily's and Big Si leap off afterwards. After that rafting and the skydive were tame and I now feel ready for anything. Bring on Queenstown and all it has to offer is what I say although with funds a concern I will have to be selective with my adrenaline injections.

After the bungy Skydiving was an absolute joy. With all fears erased we boarded our big gay pink plane and prepared to rise to 12000ft before popping out for a 45 second freefall and a few spins, look around the region and a nice safe landing. And that's pretty much how it panned out. Again I was first to pop out and with Reno filming me all the way down we had a good crack, enjoyed the buzz of the freefall and then took in the amazing sights of the lake and the beautiful scenery. Would recommend that you all do at least one of these and best to do it here when it only costs 80 quid!

King Karaoke

I have waited for this day all of my life. The day when all doubters would be disproved, when all talent would rise to the surface and when true genius would actually be recognised by the people who matter. Picture Auckland, the city of sails, with almost half of the population squeezed into this city and almost half of them packed into Paddy O gintys Irish bar last night for the most talked about event in the citys calender, the annual Karaoke championships! People had flocked from all corners of the globe to compete in this illustrious event and with Pop Idol wannabes spilling out onto the streets it was game on for a thrilling nights entertainment!

Step forward yours truly, a man who's true vocal talents have yet to be properly recognised at the highest level. A man who is more renowned for his rugby ballads than his disco classics, but a man who amongst all other things is never one to shy from a challenge. The standard had been set, and been set very high, by the rotund Maori warbler fully clad in Borat Bodysuit and shell suit bottoms with his sensational Atomic Kitten rendition. Aucklands answer to the Corrs had registered a thrilling reparte of Girls just wanna have fun and the pressure was on the boy from Blackpool to avoid extreme embarrassment. As the CD loaded and the boy Freel was handed the microphone the knees were knocking and the hush that filled the bar was reminiscent of the calm before Jonny Wilkinsons drop goal of 3 years ago. The track commenced and the crowd awaited in expectation and then Freel, with faultless timing, sang out those immortal words:

"A long long time ago, I can still remember....."

The crowd went wild and the pre kick off butterflies were gone. Freel was unleashed like a rampant Lion toying with his prey, teasing them and lulling them in and then thrashing them with acapello lines of pure brilliance. By the time the Jester sang for the king and queen the crowd were hooked and Freel was unstopable. The full 9 minute version of the Don McLean classic followed and the entire bar were in full voice led by the Pied Piper Freel in a merry march to ultimate delirium! As the final notes were belted out the whole city shook at the applause received by the Blackpool Bobby Dazzler and the new standard had been set. People tried and failed to maintain such heights and although big Si's version of Mr Brightside had some moments of absolute magic when Freel threw in Hotel California to back up his starter for ten it was curtains to the competition.

Freel was awarded the title of Karaoke chapion of Paddy O Gintys bar 2007 and I can honestly say it was one of the proudest moments of my life! The 50 dollar bar tab was immediately replaced by 12 Jagermeisters and an exhibition duet with the champ and Irish Julie closed the evenings proceedings. We of course continued deep into the night and the legacy left in Auckland will be impossible to follow. Well that is at least until next Tuesday night and then every Tuesday after that when the Karaoke comp runs again but believe me O Gintys will have a very hard time hitting the heights of February 13th and Freels finest moment of glory!

Return of the Space Cadet

So come on open the book and have a look, who said 3 months and 2 weeks? It was always gonna happen and after safely negotiating the 4 main countries of SE Asia with most things (bar a couple of cameras, shoes and shades) in tact, I finally went and did the full monty. Cue a sporadic all day session with an old mate from school (fergy), England beating the kiwis to qualify for the one day final and twenty seven beers later I left my bag in the cloak room of The Gaff nightclub (think infernos mixed with the Planet in Coventry). The eyesight had gone just shortly after the Miss Wet T-Shirt comp at midnight so when I stumbled out at 4.30am there was no hope my bag was coming with me. Awaking at 2pm the next day I called the club and to my surprise they said they had it there. So I scurried down and found the place at 4.30pm and lo and behold the bag had vanished. After 24 hours waiting for them to view video footage, share the profits and publish a book of poems they finally told me there was no hope of locating it!

Contents of bag included:

- Ipod with 85 freshly downloaded albums on (sorry Tommy!)
- Digital camera number 3 with all Oz snaps and some from Laos lost
- Passport (kind of important)
- Tickets (also a big deal)
- Manila Gorilla T Shirt (anyone who knows me well enough will know this hurt)
- Oakley sunglasses (a quid from Khoa San Road)
- Gay flowery blue Sarong (a blessing)
- Lees spare house keys (Oops - this also resulted in me waking him and missus at 4.30am on weds morn)
- 2 A4 folders containing all of the writing bar this blog that I have done in the last 4 months, about 50 poems some of which will open a few eyes and my entire travel journal of about 60 pages to date. Mind you this may be my only chance of ever getting anything published so could be a blessing.
- An orange
- Half a bottle of water
- Headache tablets
- The Dice Man book

So all in all quite a collection! I've managed to get a new temporary passport ($150), new tickets ($50) and have yet to get through to my insurance company but have only tried once and it was 5am English time! Hopefully this has amused you all and probably not surprised you all one bit. I am down to one bag now and it's pretty light but life is a lot duller sans Ipod, Camera and Poems! Am off to NZ tomorrow morning away from this smelly city of theft and depravity. Never liked the bloody Aussies, smug bastards! Anyway they never had ipods and cameras and stuff in't olden days so my travelling is old school from now on in.

PS - After packing today I found out that my passport was not actually in the bag I lost. It's currently in my room but unfortunately it has now been cancelled and i'll have to hand it back in to the British consulate with 8 years left on it to run and all my nice visa stamps inside! Absolute space cadet!

Shit Yeah!

Well fuck me sideways we only went and beat the Ozzys in their own backyard at a game of good old bloody cricket chaps! And I was there to witness this miraculous feat!

Piled into the SCG on Friday at 2pm for the day nighter with England suitably embarassed and in need of victory to stand even the slimmest chance of salvaging something from this shambles of a tour. After meeting up with old mate Fergy from school and his mate dirty Dave it was time to start the banter with the locals and with very little ammo it became quite clear that we do still own the rugby world cup!

However shock of all shocks England actually came out fighting and with young Irishman Joyce and Tinker-Bell they quickly reached 3 figures with only 1 wicket down. Could this be a turning point. Confidence is something that has been hard to find in even the most optimistic of English fans so when Bell went trying to pull McGrath for 51 the collapse was expected. Flintoff followed soon after and the Aussies were back in full voice but only temporarily. Straussy and Joyce put on a quickfire fifty and some good hitting from the tail end for once gave us a ridiculously lofty 292 runs from our 50 overs. Take that you boomerang slinging inbreds!

It only got better! As we slugged back the light beers in a fashion that even Boony would be proud of out marched the poms and first ball Gilchrist was bowled by a beauty. One over later and the ozzies were two down and the 12 English fans in our stand were going mental. The boys actually managed to carry this on and dismiss the Aussies for 200 even managing a bonus point along the way. Have it! A great day nighter saw us stumble out at 10pm and head for the nearest bar to continue the Aussie baiting boozathon. Methinks I am a lucky mascot and fingers crossed we dispatch the kiwis and get to the final where I will once again be at the SCG in full voice and with full strength ale in the members stand!

She'll be coming round the mountains

Early-ish rise Saturday morning to drive to the aptly named Blue Mountains for a whistle stop tour of the region and a bit of culture and escape from Sydney. Had Lees car for the weekend so hopped in with Cambodian Vic (she's not actually Cambodian) and set off to see what all the fuss was about.

Only took about 2 hours to get there and we quickly found a hostel and had a nosy around. Now call me biased but this place isn't a patch on the Lake District, in fact it's not that much more impressive than Blackheath! Ok so i'm exaggerating slightly, the mountains/canyons themselves are fantastic but the towns and surrounding 'attractions' are quite simply shite. We stayed in Katoomba which is like a shrunken version of Whitley Bay with the fist slugging Geordies replaced by Cow milking yokels. The main and pretty much only street is a mixture of the wild west and a shite English coloquial town (think Luton!). Leura down the road was a lot nicer but still splattered with freaky motels and the one five star hotel was slightly out of our price range at $450 a night.

So YHA it was and after a bit of walking through the mountains we set sail on the 45 second cable car experience this morning and then had a trek around and did see the beauty of the mountains once in there. That made the experience worthwhile but unless you can afford a decent hotel I would recommend driving up early doors, having a good days walking and then getting back to Sydney before the 6 fingered locals freak the hell out of you in the evening.

I will post some snaps asap but these Aussies aren't a patch on the Thais with their photographic computer skills and as I am still a retard I can't promise when they'll be here. Good to hear the English whooped the Scots as well. Looks like our sport may be on the turn but then again don't want to speak too soon. Stay in touch folks, I know I may be boring you slightly and I know it's a bit chilly back home but I have noticed a bit of slacking from one or two of you with your contact levels. This will be taken into account when purchasing didgeridoos and boomerangs to bring home!