Australia Day Carnage

Well folks, I arrived in Sydney early doors last Tuesday and was greeted and welcomed by Lee and Roch with open arms and great joy. It was only when I arrived at their flat to find out they were moving 2 days later that I realised why they were so glad to see me! Two days later and after wrapping, packing, lifting and unloading for a good solid 48 hours I was ready to go and get lashed for the first time in Oz. It was perfect timing really Thursday night before Australia Day and the whole city was up for carnage so it was no surprise when I rocked up back home at 4.30am, after getting lost from my cab then flagging down the same cab driver 40 minutes later who took me back to where I had wandered from - such a space cadet!

Anyway Oz day itself proved as Ozzie as could be as I went with Lee and Roch round to some family and friends and played park cricket (50 not out for Freel who could quite easily make the current crop of shite England team!), had a top Barby, watched England try to bat and then headed into the City to meet my mate Fergy from school and then the legend that is Viz who I'd last bumped into in Cambodia. There ended up being about 10 of us and we had a cracking all day session, played plenty of drinking games and it was a great intro to Sydney and what it has to offer.

Last night in order to make the hat trick complete we went to see the Streets in a tiny little venue in the city and it was amazing. Two of the girls got up on stage for the last song and Vic has yet to wash her face where she kissed Mike Skinner but not to be outdone the other girl stayed back stage after the show and a little bird tells me she was seen leaving the four seasons hotel this morning - little rascal! Top night was finished off in a cool city bar with a few of Ryans cricket mates in tow.

So Sydders is a great place. It took me a few days to re adjust and I look like a proper tourist numpty in the city - constantly gazing around, nearly getting run over and not quite fitting in to the suited dress code (need to buy some more footwear in particular!). You'd think I was Crocodile Dundee in New York and not that i'd lived in London for 7 bloody years!

On the down side I think spending 800 dollars in 5 days was not the best move so may have to drag my sorry arse into some kind of employment for a week or two but we'll see, am not overly keen on that!

This week am off to see England's one last embarrasment at the SCG and then heading to the Blue Mountains for the weekend - apart from that the beaches beckon and i've also found a football team to go training with for a bit of a kick about. I can clearly see why people come here and end up staying around!

Speak soon cobbers!

First leg complete!

Last day in Asia it's been one hell of a ride
So many great places once you delve deep inside
The last 3 months have brought times I will never forget
Not to mention all the sensational people i've met
Looking back to October setting off all alone
On this mind bending journey into the largely unknown
Full of expectation, butterflies wrestling in my gut
Waved goodbye to my buddies and the cabin doors shut
Before leaving Bangkok airport i'd met my first mate
Ozzy boy from Brisbane and we both got on great
2 weeks travelling together - Chiang Mai, Samui, full moon
Met the Swedes and Canadians and our good friend mushroom
Then solo through Cambodia as culture was calling
And some time off the booze as by now I was crawling
As each day went by I grew stronger and bolder
Glad I left this travelling lark til a little bit older.
From Cambodia into Nam to meet up with the girls
Two weeks of amazing adventure watching the country unfurl
Checked back to Bangkok to see Tommy arrive
Thank god he had my mojo, Freel came back to life!
Full moon number two and chilling in Ko Tao
Open water diving - check, very fucking proud!
Left Ko Tao in a hurry as a boyfriend checked in
And skipped over to Krabi for a 3 week bender to begin
Great drinking with Tobey, Ralaigh beach was amusing
Then Phi Phi for Christmas, met the girls and more boozing!
Fancy dress and fun times and four in a bed
But 7 days here and twas time to rest the head
Detox in Ko Lanta, beach footy with locals
Lying low, kicking back and refinding the vocals
Then Krabi New Year and full moon one last time
Giant smurfs and tattoos, the memories are sublime
We all parted ways and I slipped into Laos
Back alone on my travels but with experience and Nouse
Met 2 girls on the bus and we soon formed a team
Then with Ivor and friends, tubing in Vangviene was a scream
Luang Prabang was superb, bumped into Briony and Suze
For one last night of bowling and more time on the booze!
Now i'm back in Bangkok, one more night on the piss
And the 3 months in Asia have been absolute bliss.
Last night with Smithy and Neil in a 4 star hotel
Then it's off to Sydney to give the Aussie boys hell!

Chaos in Laos

Bonjour mes amis! Hope all are well and good.

OK the last 2 weeks have seen me travel my way through Laos, a country that boasts the record of being the most bombed country anywhere and during the Vietnam war on average a bomb landed here every 9 minutes. Well it may have been a while since then but monsieur Freel dropped a bomb of his own slap bang in the middle of the Mekong river when dismounting the 30ft trapeze swing and John Smiths style bombing into the waters below. 9.8 average score from the crowds and a very bruised right butt cheek to boot.

Laos is amazing, it really is. As soon as we drifted over the border the country oozed relaxation and even the birds flew around in slow motion. Vientiane was the first stop and there was bugger all to do really but it was still a cool, relaxing place. I even managed to get out for a run and bumped into a couple of English girls on the bus from Bangkok and commenced my bond with the legendary Kat and Lou (more about them later!). A couple of nights in Vientiane were enough and after getting a stern telling off from our guest house owner for getting in after the midnight curfew we felt it best to leave and headed off for the main attraction of the country - floating down a river in giant rubber rings, drinking beer and swinging from zip slides and trapezes in Vang Viene.

I shit you not this is a very simple concept but probably one of the best things in the world - ever! You basically pay 2 quid for a giant inflatable ring, jump in a tuk tuk, get dropped off at the river and then sit in your tyre and commence floating down. After 30 metres is the first bamboo bar with zip slide and beer Lao. Stop there for a bit and get back in float to the next bar and so on. The slides get higher and the beer flows faster and everybody convenes at the biggest trapeze, drinking, swinging and cheering as each individual tries to outdo the last and all the blokes try to impress the ladies with their heroic dives and tricks. Me, I just bombed straight in like an old northern man should do, no flies on me love! We had a group of about 10 of us and had a fantastic few days, meeting some great people from the US, Canada, Ireland, England and Oz. Shandy Lee Fox may possibly have the best porn name for a real name ever, Lisa the prada hippie chick from LA was a legend as was Steph (clearly the best diver). Kat and Lou were on top form, taking it in turns to get lashed and swing like monkeys ensuring that at least one of them was always on form. Ivor the Irish engine was a barrel of laughs and his sidekick James was possibly the most pissed man I have ever seen at 6pm on the second tubing excursion. Pat the cuddly bear made up the ensemble along with the shadow who it was virtually impossible to shake off.

The final stop after the carnage here was Luang Prabang where I am now sat typing away and I have spent a brilliant 3 days here, seen an amazing waterfall, caught up on sleep, shopped in the market and eaten like a lord. Have also been out every night and been in the local ten pin bowling alley the last 3 nights running. It's the only place serving beer post midnight! Am flying back to Bangkok tonight for 3 more nights in my home from home and will be catching up with smithy and Neil for one last Asian session. Then it's off to Sydney for chapter 2 of this worldwide extravaganza. Bring it on cobbers and get those bloody shrimps right on that Barby.

Highs and Lows

December madness over, tiptoed into Laos
Slipped in as sun was rising, quiet as a mouse
My 3 month stint in Asia is drawing to a close
What a great adventure full of highs and lows.
I'll start with the lows and get to the pluses
At five in the charts has to be the buses
I know I may rant but they're fucking annoying
And at times on this trip it's almost been soul destroying
At four in the list has to be rice
After 3 months here now it's no longer nice.
Ko samui mings and is straight in at three
Full of sex tourists and bumboys, just not for me
At two is Phangan which may be a surprise
But for all the good it brings it's a sore on the eyes
And the most annoying thing on this trip to this day
Is the utter disappointment of our trip to Halong Bay
One of the places in Asia I was most excited to see
And we were completely let down by our tour company.
But enough of the low points let's get to the highs
What was it that brought most pleasure to my eyes
At five seeing Tommy for two weeks in the sun
Was exceptional timing and we had some great fun
The Cambodian experience comes in at four
Beach was astounding and Angkor Wat dropped the jaw
There are so many memories of Christmas on Phi Phi
That i'll treasure forever and that comes in at three
Cu chi tunnels and Saigon were spots that had most effect
And the Vietcong and Vietnamese have my utmost respect
But my number 1 experience of this whole 3 month trip
Is taking the plunge and leaping off that ship
Overcoming the obstacles and learning to dive
Is number 1 in the list and made me feel truly alive!

Him

He died when I was thirteen of a heroin overdose
Didn't bother me too much as we weren't very close
Found cold in a heap of some high rise flats
Amongst piss soured walls and scavenging rats
I got home from school and mum was in tears
Nana had been crying, that hadn't happened for years.
She gathered herself and took me to one side
And told me right then that someone had died
I just wanted to hug her, didn't like her upset
Wanted to squeeze it away and help her forget
She loved him so much even though they were parted
She'd known she loved him from the day that it started
Even though he had left her with child and alone
One year after the birth she was still in a home
Mind couldn't free itself from all thoughts of him
Was he coming back, when could life re-begin?
But he wasn't coming back, he was void of responsibility
He was young and had mates, he was lacking humility
Who could blame a young man with a town at his feet?
Mr popular, great guy, he was the man on the street
Everyone loved him and everyone feared him
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him
He turned his back on her to live out his dreams
And 13 years later it had burst at the seams
Literally his insides had blown up and exploded
Just out of hospital but couldn't help getting loaded
A drug addicts death in the most demeaning of places
Not too many now keen on showing their faces!
As she cried in my arms, full of tears and so sad
I found it hard to believe that this man was my dad.

Papa Smurf signs out in style

Not only do I considerably raise the age limit on the island of Ko Phangan but it has to be said I definitely bring something to the party. Amidst the boy band lookalikes, the gorgeously svelte super model waif like women and the tree hugging potheads a couple of giant smurfs took to the beach for the first full moon party of 2007 and my last ever visit to Ko Phangan. I feel like I know the place back to front and when you end up with it reminding you of Blackpool you remember why you left the place in the first instance.

However after a 2 week bender over Christmas and New Year it would be rude not to carry it on a couple of extra days and so we did just that as we headed back to this hedonistic wonderland. Our team of 6 had been bolstered by a clingon Ozzy chick, a couple of Tobeys mates and the arrival of John and Jodie from home and we had a good squadron for our celebrations. After one last fling we were all off on our seperate ways again, mostly not to be reunited until returning home so we ensured this one went off with a bang and 20,000 people made this the busiest party i've been to yet with absolute madness on the beach.

The paparazzi were in full force and forget that twat Doherty trying to steal the limelight, it was the smurfs that were the true reason for their arrival and I shit you not we did not get a minutes peace all night! Had a blinder of a night and partied far too hard until collapsing back in my bed at 5.30am, another early departure in these parts from old man Freel.

Next day was a shocker and to be honest every one of the days since has been terrible. However there was one more thing I needed to do before leaving for Bangkok and with the hangover to kill all hangovers I ventured to the Bamboo Tattoo parlour and duly branded my body with a lifetimes image which I am convinced will look sensational when I hit my fifties/sixties and if I get any further than that will continue to look great!

Am now back in Bangkok for a couple of days recuperation and am still trying to look over my shoulder and see what the bloomin thing looks like. All accounts from trusted friends here have been positive but time will tell when I get home to you lot who I know best whether or not my travelling mark still entitles me to a position in the front row!

One way ticket to Smashville!

Well where do I start? Apologies that i've been missing in action for the last week or so but you know what the festive season's like and well quite frankly the booze has been calling far more persuasively than the net cafe.

Christmas eve provided the launchpad and there's pretty much been no looking back from then. We've been travelling in a group of 6 for a while and then John and Jodie pitched up on 29th to bolster numbers and so there's been some serious partying going on. Highlights include:

- Chatting up some Irish girls and telling Tobey to "Watch and learn, this is how you pull a minger!" only for Irish girl to hear and start swinging for me although the elusive Freel managed to avoid contact and even managed to talk my way out of the abyss

- Christmas Day treasure hunt - inspirational performance from myself and my Swedish buddy, setting tasks and clues all around Phi Phi for the girls to follow, eventually leading them to the viewpoint overlooking the whole island where we were waiting with presents, champagne and a picnic. - Beach footy - Myself, Francisco Totti, Jari Litmanen and Freddy Ljungberg taking on the Thai beach footy champs on Ko Lanta and whooping their asses 3 days running - have that 9 stone thai guys!

- Owning Krabi Town - We came, we saw, we conquered. Worked behind 3 different bars, job offers galore, legendary people in Blue Juice dive shop and a great way to bring in the new year! Just about pips the Duck in Clapham Junction last year!

Low points include:

- Visa run - Malaysia is beautiful, stepped into it for a whole 7 minutes after a 10 hour round trip squashed into a truck with a couple of tree hugging yanks - Groovy!

- Boat toilets - Absolutely reek, 20 hours waiting to drop the kids off. Think I may have permanent intestinal damage and after finally arriving on Phangan an hour ago have just blocked the bungalow bog with the longest whippet in world history!

- 4 in a bed - Never thought I would say this especially since 2 of them are gorgeous sisters but once the novelty had worn off squeezing 4 people into one double bed was not condusive to sleep and wouldn't be advised

- Tsunami memorial - Tears all over Phi Phi on Boxing Day as the 2 year anniversary was remembered. A sad day on the island that was left devastated by the giant waves.

Am now on Ko Phangan for my 3rd month in a row for one last EVER full moon blast out before the detox kicks in. Am off to buy an industrial tub of blue paint as we get set to go out in style fully clad in nappies, turbans and blue paint as the only 3 smurfs in Thailand!