Chiang Mai Chang

After leaving Bangkok to the ladyboys and OAPs it was off to Chiang Mai for a bit of culture and an escape from weirdosville. Decided against the 12 hour bus journey as I was still in holiday mood and a return flight for about 40 quid seemed much more convenient. Mind you that wasn't banking on bumping into the biggest bullshitter i've met this side of Blackpool at Bangkok airport. As with everyone i've met he seemed like a good lad at first, mind you once he told me he was from inbred Norwich I should've shifted seats there and then.

Checked into hotel after blagging a free ride with him from the airport and then nipped into the posher hotel pool next door for a bit of r and r (it had been a 1hour flight!). This is the first traveller I have met who is a save the world tree hugger type who looked permanently stoned and proceeded to tell me how he'd been arrested with 30 pills in Norwich 2 weeks ago and was out here whilst on bail for a month long trip. His aim was to buy lots of wood as he's a photographer you see and he thought he could ship loads of frames back and sell his holiday snaps at the Christmas markets. How romantic I thought whilst pondering the cost and practicalities of sending all this heavy shit back to England in time for the festive rush at Norwich market!

As the conversation continued he proceeded to have a number of tales to tell, including how he spent his first night in Bangkok smoking gear at a Tuk Tuk drivers mates house, how he had knocked out a couple of Scotsmen at a festival in the Summer (he didn't look like he could knock a wank out!), and how everything he seemed to do was ten times bigger or better than anyone elses life tales (Can you sense I was beginning to get ein bischen irritated here?). It culminated in his classic line " My hero is Robin Hood only I haven't found any poor people to give to yet!". That was the climax of his 68,000 pound department store scam that he managed simply by taking receipts back that he had produced in his dingy shed. Anyway needless to say 2 hours spent with him were interesting and after arranging to meet him outside in 5 for a wander I sharply legged it down the back stairs never to see him again (so far at least!). Am getting good at the disappearing trick.

Chiang Mai itself was pretty quiet bar the standard ladyboys and whores at every second turn but it was a welcome change from bustling Bangkok. Am still travelling with Ozzy lad and we booked some whitewater rafting and an elephant trek. Think the elephant had flu as it kept stretching it's beak back and sneezing on my ankle much to the drivers amusement, that was until he fell off it which I absolutely pissd myself at and that soon shut him up. Rafting was sehr gut and we were accompanied by a pair of German maidens whilst the other boat had one clueless Frenchman and 3 absolutely mental dutch guys in it (I would be thankful later that we'd chosen the frauleins). My pigeon German was received with giggles and approval by the 20 year olds (if that) who were taking a bit of a shine to me and Nick if truth be known, at one point one of them even asked if she could hold my paddle!

Rafting was brilliant and the 12 year old guide we had who had been chuckling earlier about the 6ft water snakes was an absolute legend. The Dutchmen and token frog weren't quite so lucky and bailed about 4 times. One of them who quite clearly knew where the fridge was, managed to get a pretty nasty gash on his leg which again the safety conscious local guides found fucking hilarious and so I thought it rude not to join in their laughter.

The night was topped off with my first real session of the trip and the 6.4% Chang local brew was going down a treat. Some standard Freel dancing ensued into the early hours and I bumped into a random Scotsman I met on the plane who unsurprisingly was quite keen on the schicker. Am now in Koh Samui after heading beachbound. Having a quiet couple of days before the lead up to carnage from Thursday onwards - full moon party on Sunday in Koh Phangan being the climax of the weekend!

Bangkok Shilton

Bangkok is a weird and crazy place, good and bad things and smells to tweak the nosehairs of every being. As a result of this I decided to adjourn to the hotel pool yesterday to escape the circus freaks.

The place was packed but we were up there as the doors opened and managed to secure a prime spot in the sun. A few hours later and after some good poolside friendly banter we managed to orchestrate a Europe v Rest of the World water polo match. Now I shit you not this was a serious event with the Germans and Danes in particular very regimented in their approach. Due to their Marxist stance I just volunteered to go in goals. It took me back to being at school, last to be picked fatboy in goal type shenanigans but as I couldn't be arsed to argue I assumed my position between the sticks.

When I say Water Polo it turned more into a bit of a weird Hasselhoff esque sausage fest (our team) against some Yo Yo Yo surf dude bracelet wearing potheads (mostly Ozzies). Anyway a particulary drab game was all square at 2-2 after 30 minutes (managed to burn shoulders in the mean time). To decide the winner (I had 80p riding on the result so there had to be a winner!) it was decided to have a penalty shoot out 'Soccer' style by the keen Canadian youth. Cue freely the salmon being called into action and the next 5 minutes rank up there as one of the top five highlights of my life!

We went first and missed then there first guy stepped up to the plate and his rather limp wristed effort was easily smothered by Freel. The next 2 were scored and then Jurgen (guess where he's from!) slotted our third, they needed their last one to go into sudden death and it was my current roomy wading forwards. Now I don't know if anyone has ever seen Gordon Banks world famous save in World Cup 1970 but if you can imagine the best save ever made and times it by ten you may get somewhere close to my Salmon like leap that denied the antips! Heroic celebrations and even a manly slap on my crimson shoulders from Jurgen followed (think Top Gun). For the next 10 minutes I could imagine what it was like to lift the world cup trophy in front of (about 3) adoring fans! I left Bangkok a happy man this morning and not for the reason most males of my age do and have now landed in Chiang Mai to see if the jungle trekkers fancy a game of Kabaddi.

Aloha,

So been here 9 hours ticked the first box and actually made it through customs. I shit you not that was a particularly tricky experience. Taking on board all the advice i'd been given I ensured I looked as local and unassuming as possible yet still felt like a total drug trafficer squeezing my way past the fun police! In fact in honesty the advice i was given prior to this excursion has perhaps not been the most accurate to say the least.

1 - All travellers will be young - this was unclear to me as I witnessed scores of elderly gents checking in their golf clubs at Heathrow. I was thinking maybe it was the seniors open tour in Thailand only to realise as soon as they landed in Bangkok they were greeted by very young looking local girls, only to happy to give them a hand with their clubs! Am sure the wives will be happy in Waitrose at home!

2 - Don't trust anyone - Now this is something that was drilled into me (especially by you tabs) and as I sit here is still something very dear. However in true traveller spirit and in an attempt to befriend people early doors I returned conversation when the polite Indian chap in front of me in the queue started chattering. On second thoughts and after 2 minutes of chat perhaps I should've stayed quiet. Talk of trying to get his family into the country when I was at the front of the check in queue may be one of the reasons I failed to get an upgrade!

3 - Beware the ladyboys - Well after 6 hours on the piss in Bangkok it would appear I have nothing to fear. I feel maybe my slightly Scottish complexion for once is boding in my favour as I am convinced that they have no inclination to me whatsoever. Whether or not that is down to my lack of colour or particularly standoffish tone with the locals is up for debate but you'll be pleased to know i'm holding my own at present, and believe me there are a fair few here!

4 - Australians can drink - Absolute bullshit! I've experienced it in Clapham and after sending 3 of them home to bed already tonight you'll be pleased to know that they can't drink anywhere! They may like their pills by all accounts (all heading to Ko Samui tomorrow!) but not one of them is capable of getting past the 5th beer! Already I have had to apologise to 5 English girls about my unfortunately drunken Ozzy mates. The one good thing is they do befriend you easily and as a result my rent in Bangkok has been halved for the next 3 days! I will of course ensure I cork my arsehole when eventually retiring to bed and rest assured they are twin rooms!

Anyway my darlings i'm off back to the bar now to try and befriend someone who's not antipodean. You were all correct, by the time i'd got off the flight i'd already met a fair few pals and that was despite being sandwiched betwen a fat Norwegian and a Scottich pensioner with a stubble (female!). Off to Chiang Mai in the next couple of days where I intend to meet some local jungle folk and swing from the banshees!

This travelling lark is looking promising thus far!

Freely x

Nineteen days until arrival at Heathrow to set sail on my year long exploration of the outside world. Having been cocooned in my South West London bubble for the last 7 years it feels liberating and a little bit disconcerting that I'm about to be let loose to roam foreign lands, armed only with a Swiss Army knife and some flip flops with a bottle opener on the sole (perfect!).

Having managed to spunk most of my savings in the last 2 months saying bye to everyone I've got a feeling my ass may well be up for rent by the time I leave Thailand (too much competition there). How I'm going to make my limited piggy bank stretch (not an anal reference) to 12 months and 4 continents is anyones guess but i'm up for the challenge and raring to go.

This 'Blog' (down with the travelling kids now) will track my adventure and act as a reference point for any of you lot who are bored enough at work or interested enough to see what i'm getting up to. I'll try and keep it lively and inform of entertaining experiences more than factual visitations but I guess you can be the judge of that.

Anyway that's the intro done, now it's off to try and come up with some sort of plan and find out what I need to take. Look after London my legends, look after the ladies simsy and Tommy if you could give my room a bit of a makeover and spring clean i'll see you in a year darling!