The Long Road To La Paz

Disorganised chaos, these guys don´t have a clue
We´ve been sat here an hour and no-one knows what to do
The last half hour has been musical chairs
Faces filled with confusion, a blanket of stares
It seems that some dozy twat is in the wrong seat
And after blabbering in Spanish he´s finally got to his feet
But there´s still no movement on this stone aged machine
And flicking through the lonely planet I now know what they mean
It takes me back to Asia all this palava on the bus
It not that fucking tricky I don´t understand the fuss
The thing is half empty just grab another spot
It´s hardly rocket science they´re just a fucking simple lot
So eventually we´re off on this 20 hour trip
And from the bumps in the road there´ll be no chance of kip
Now the numpty in front has thrown back his chair
And my nose is 3 inches from his clearly unwashed hair
I fucking hate these buses, it´s gonna be a long night
But for 3 quid fifty I can hardly start a fight
So i´ll wind my neck in and stop whinging away
And in 20 hours time all will again be OK.

La Paz - Arrival

A chaotic abyss splattered with construction
The Bolivian mecca if you´re seeking destruction
After hours of nothing on a shitty old bus
You start to wonder why they make such a fuss
It comes out of nowhere and you look down to the right
And what meets you below is an incredible sight
Like a ship being dragged into the eye of the storm
As you wind your way in the city starts to form
From above it´s like a black sky littered with stars
The world´s highest city could be somewhere on mars
This comic book place comes to life on the street
But you have to be wary and sure on your feet
The shopfront glistens with women in traditional dress
Their stalls awash with colour designed to impress
As the sun goes to sleep the shadows emerge
To feast on the tourists all so eager to splurge
But although the scent of danger is never far from the nose
It´s part and parcel of La Paz and it keeps you on your toes

Patagonian Wonderland

So after mounting a volcano in Chile and briefly liaising with the shithole that gos by the name of Puerto Montt it was over to Argy to bulldoze through the Andes and up the western spine of this huge beast of a country.

Bariloche was first stop and this place was a yuppy wonderland. Picture St Moritz mixed with Lake Garda but fifty times cheaper and full of backpackers and you wont be far away. The town is built around a lake that enjoys splendid views of the surrounding Andes. Its a big ski resort but sods law dictated that we were a month early for the season and so instead had to make the most of the St Bernard Dogs and chocolate shops.

In honesty we were on a bit of a gypo mission and trying to save the beans so we headed to the supermarket to sort out dinner and I tell you what, what a result. They say you can tell a lot about a person by their shopping list and ours contained the following:

Giant slab of fillet steak
Sweet potatoes
Carrots
Mushrooms
Peppers
2 Bags of Haribo (Argy equivalent)
Giant beer
Bottle of red wine
Pasta
4 Chorizo sausages
Ketchup
Water
20 Camel lights
3 Apple nutrigrain bars
2 bottles of that yogurt stuff with good bits in
2 bananas
An orange

Total cost = 9 quid! And we´re talking top notch stuff, this wasn´t an Aldi special!

So after feasting in Bariloche we headed up the famous Ruta 40 and the views were sensational. We went through the 7 lakes and over and through the Andes. For anyone who has watched The Motorcycle Diaries this is the type of scenery i´m talking about. And I tell you what even though we had a 17hr bus journey to Mendoza the buses in this neck of the woods are tremendous. You even get to have a game of bingo, no shit! full on bingo on the bus and the winner takes home a bottle of vino!
Mendoza had little to offer and was a let down after the beauty of before. We met up with a kiwi pal from Santiago for a few beers and did a wine tour and then got out of there rapido as there really was bugger all to do. Salta was the third and final stop and this place again got us back into the red. Lovely square with the traditional Catholic cathedral and loads of cafes dotted around. I even managed to pull the old flip flops out of the bag for an afternoon although by the time we were home frostbite was almost setting in.

There used to be a big trip here called the Train to the clouds but unfortunately it broke 2 years ago and they still can´t be arsed to fix it so now it´s a minibus to the clouds which doesn´t quite have the same ring but we decided to do it anyway. This was a 15hr round trip setting off at ridiculous o clock and taking you into the mountains, spotting Inca ruins, traditional villages, the heart of the Andes, Salt Flats and the 7 colour valley. We even managed to squeeze in some goat stew for lunch (bit rank really). The trip was quality and I almost managed to ride a baby llama but instead had to settle for buying two llama wool bobble hats. Trust me they´re all the rage out here, all the kids will be wearing them soon just you wait and see. So far i´ve bought nine. Well got to get some presents I suppose and at 80p a pop its just too much of a bargain to turn down.
We got home about 8ish and headed for the biggest feast of steak you have ever seen in your life, seriously I munched about 4 giant steaks, perfectly cooked and washed down with gallons of vino tinto at 70p a bottle. They then wheeled in a traditional band consisting of a well rounded multi talented ringleader and a couple of mates and then a couple of flameñco dancers stomping around like legends. All in all a quality night and a cracking end to stage one of Argentina.

Argy Bargy Weirdy Beardy

Men when they travel do some weird things. Facial hair for one, there are people with all kinds of different ridiculous growths out here. I mean in Australia there were people trying it but most of them were about twelve and the best they could do was resemble an asian teenage girl with a bit of dark bumfluff. Not so in the land of big cows, man sweat and mountains where you would definitely get a fair few contenders at a travellers beard growing competition. You know what I mean the crazy German fellas who have an annual beard and muzzy comp and you´ve got all sorts of ensembles from the lamb chop sideys that meet a curly tache to the big fat slug tache with a bit of a gay goaty (Ozzy favourite). Anyway not to be outdone and in need of asserting my manhood I joined the buggers and decided on a bit of beardage.

Tell you what though after a few days it doesn´t half itch and I was starting to think I may not pull through. Can´t wimp out at the first hurdle though so onwards I ploughed and the bush began to blossom. The crunch came when just as I was admiring my facial garden and beginning to think I was a bit of a contender in the man beard stakes in walked some tree hugging prancer to piss all over my bonfire. Now this bugger not only had much more beardage than I but had also managed to fold one of those things girls use in their barnet to hold it back and had made a little kind of bobbly thing on his chin!

Wanker was my initial thought and pretty much still is and off I went to trim my plume although to maintain a little pride and dignity I still retained a good sized facial stubble to avoid the ultimate humiliation of being clean shaven in South America. I mean travellers do some stupid things but i´ve always told myself that there´s no way i´d fall into any of those brackets, some of the muppets even go and get tattoos as well, imagine that!

Stopher Joe versus the Volcano!

Chile by name Chilly by nature and chapter 3 of the world journey is now in full swing. After 6 months chasing the sun I tell thee it's friggin brass monkeys out here and in order to accommodate this fact I have gone Argy and started to sprout the old beard again. Now I tried this once before back in Vietnam and it ended up in tears but this time it is more out of necessity than a fashion experiment and i'm sticking to it as otherwise the old chillblains will be too much to handle!

After 3 uneventful days in Santiago realising that Spanish is clearly something I don't take to easily I decided to bugger any thoughts of learning it in a school and instead adopt a wing it style approach and head South. Bus ticket was booked sin problemo and off I trotted armed with a smile and a phrase book and no accommodation! No problemo as the lovely English speaking damsel met us at the bus station and guided us to her hostel, see it's not as tough as everyone makes out! After chilling for a day or two in Pucon, yesterday it was time for the main event - to scale the peak of the most active volcano in Chile, bring it on!

The wind was strong and the air was biting cold as 20 people set out to tame this beast dressed in bright yellow ice suits and silly orange helmets. To be honest getting out of bed had been a struggle and as I dipped my little toe outside the duvet, fear, shock and pain all gripped me at once. However today I was being a man and I quickly scarpered out and prepared for battle by putting 12 layers on in under 30 seconds!

We drove up to the base of the volcano and then took another ski lift before setting off on our ascent. It started quite smoothly although the ears were already popping and we'd barely reached the snow. A couple of hours later and we still weren't half way and I knew then that this was gonna be a struggle. We stopped behind a mound for a quick sandwich and then realised that one of the groups had already turned back, the wind was a bit too strong for them - pussy's! Not for us though and the leading group of me, Isak and Emily continued onwards and upwards with Hernando leading the way up almost vertical slopes. The wind was howling and my snippet was twitching but we edged our way further and further until eventually we were only half an hour from the summit.

It was at this point we were informed that there were only 5 of us left on the mountain and 15 others had turned back! Our guide then did a chicken sign and laughed to himself which inspired both confidence and fear in all of us. Off we trotted again and those last few steps were some of the worst of my life but eventually we scrambled to the top and were hit by a carcenogenic fountain of smoke billowing out of the mouth of the volcano, the view was amazing though and although there were icicles on my 2 week tache it was well worth the effort. Out of 20 starters only 5 of us made the top and all credit to Emily who was the only girl up there much to the surprise and amazement of the 2 Frenchman who scampered up behind us.

Now for the fun part, photos taken and last sandwich polished off we put on our arse coverers and headed down the mountain buttocks first down makeshift toboggan runs. What had taken us 5 hours to conquer took barely an hour to descend and sliding down a volcano on my ass was one of the best things I have ever done. The volcano may have flexed its pecs and thrown a few mighty old gusts out here and there but I damn well mounted the bugger and now I was showing it my ass all the way down - have that lava splurting fella!

Stopher Joe had added one more impressive experience to the list and as I looked around at the faces of Emily and Isak at the bottom I saw in them exactly how I felt, absolutely broken and in need of un cerveza quick sharp. Hernando must've doubled as a mind reader and as soon as we returned to the hostel he broke open the Escudo and saluted the team. Then it was off to bed at 6pm and I awoke at 8am this morning feeling all the better for it!

Kennedy sends me out in style!

Chapter 1 was South East Asia and I snook through tunnels in Vietnam, braved the killing fields of Cambodia, survived the beer and tubes of Laos and even managed to avoid arrest and ladyboys in Thailand despite all efforts to the contrary.

Chapter 2 took me to Sydney where I managed to witness England winning not 1 but 2 cricket matches against the Ozzies, to New Zealand where I managed not to snap the bungy cord, to Hong Kong where I somehow survived the sevens weekend and then back to Oz where I came face to face with sharks, turtles and rays and fell out of a bunkbed! Eventually I made it down to Melbourne and the last 2 nights of the chapter. I thought I was worldly wise, I had seen it all and nothing could phase me any longer but I had obviously underestimated the power of the Neighbours night!

Yep folks in an English pub in glitzy old St Kilda the cast of Neighbours have decided to cash in on their celebrity. Conscious of the fact that UK crowds will go mad for a sneaky peek of the Bish, the cunning Ozzies hold their own night every Monday at the Elephant and Wheelbarrow boozer and without fail every week it is an absolute sell out! So, in anticipation of a possible rendez vous with Kylie, Natalie Imbruglia or fingers crossed maybe even Mrs Mangel I secured my ticket and got myself down there.

As I walked in the place was mobbed and I had to fight my way through the hoards to get a place near the front. Luckily my accomplice was skilled at barging through crowds and within seconds had magically negotiated her way to front row action. An Ozzy version of Peter Kay without the humour was on the mic introducing the festivites and before you know it the first guest. As the crowd held their breath it turned out that Libby Kennedy was coming out and was gonna sing a few songs for us as a bit of a treat, get in there, always a fan of old Libby and I tell you what she was looking even finer in real life. She belted out a few crackers and I swear she was eyeing me up and then old chubber came back out to introduce the rest of the stars.

Next up was some trailer park runt going by the name of Dylan. He apparently hasn´t been in the show for a year or so and I don´t think he´s been doing much in that time apart from maybe coming to these nights and trying to bang the odd backpacker or two but I guess they need someone for the younger audience, personally he didn´t even get a nod from me. The third and final guest was being built up and the build up was good, we were being teed up for a superstar and the excitement was getting too much. I could even feel a trickle of pee escape as I stood in anticipation!

Ladies and Gentlemen put your hands together for...........Doctor Karl Kennedy! Well I have never seen a place erupt like it! I´ve seen England play at Wembley, the Chilli Peppers at Earls Court, even the All Blacks in front of their home crowd but nothing competes to the sheer shrieking and deafening reception reserved for the Doc, a week later and my ears are still bleeding! The man epitomised youth, everyone wanted him, I wanted him to be my dad and the girl next to me wanted him so much she started crying! The doc lapped up the applause and pirouetted on the floor like a man half his age in his trendy Converse pumps.
The night was set and the beers flowed. In a silly moment of abstinence I was off the pop but I wasn´t missing a slither of fun. The Neighbours quiz went on in the background while the stars circulated and an 18 year old girl won a trip down the great ocean road by sticking her tongue down a terrified boys throat. Libby Kennedy smiled at me again and I was lost for words and the doc got mobbed everywhere he moved. I was starting to feel sorry for the poor little chav boy who was almost forcing himself on people to take his photo. The crowd were drinking it all up, along with the cheap schooners but the main event was yet to come, Dr Kennedy and his band Waiting Room were going to perform live!

I know it´s unreal isn´t it! The moment came and the lights dimmed and out they came, Waiting Room followed by the doc himself. The man seriously has more energy than 10 Duracell bunnies and he ripped through some covers like a man possessed. Then came a couple of Waiting Rooms own tracks, with one in particular a tribute to some love triangle he was in proving a major highlight. He finished with a kind of Jive Bunny megamix Livin on a Prayer/Hey Jude medley and the cherry was firmly planted on the top of the cake. The night was a roaring success and it was all down to the Doc. Well worth the 40 dollar charge and I would thoroughly recommend it to any visitor to Melbourne. Say bollocks to the comedy festival and bugger the Jazz crap, Monday night in the Wheelbarrow is where it´s at and if you´re lucky you may even get to shag Toadfish!

Wedding Crashers and Family Fortunes!

Back in Sydney with 12 hours to find a suit and all was not looking good. With only 1 linen short sleeved shirt and nothing vaguely resembling shoes I was in serious difficulty of not getting into the church for Lee and Roch's big day. But fear not all fell into place, and after hassling the groom for a suit the day before his wedding (trying to take his mind away from the nerves obviously), and finding some 40 dollar black spazza shoes I was all set to go. With the shoes shining like a new penny and the suit trousers riding up my shins it was by no means a perfect outfit but I found that with the right crouching stance and a bit of a monty python walk it was just about passable.

I met up with Fi and Nick the day before the wedding and it was great to see some familiar faces from back home after so long. Naturally we sank a few pre wedding ales and me and Fi ended up throwing some wonder shapes on a dubious bondi establishments dance floor until the early hours. You all know the script, I was convinced I was clearly the best dancer the bar had ever seen, running man starts to come out, heads rolling forward, shoulders follow and then all hell breaks loose, that kind of thing....

After a few chores and a couple of hiccups the next day we arrived at the church in good time and took our position in the stands ready to haul abuse and banter as the ceremony kicked off. Alas the banter never came although neither did Rochie, well not until 25 minutes after she was due to arrive and in honesty I've not seen Lee so nervous since being under a high ball in the gents game at Midhurst! When she did arrive (eventually) all was well and the ceremony went off with flying colours, the bride looked sensational, Lee didn't fluff his lines and the priest was on top form with some quality humour and chat.

After that the main event commenced and it was over to the yacht club with booze and food flowing freely all night and Cameron ensuring that the glasses were always half full. We also befriended the waiter early doors and doubly ensured beer was on tap for us every 5 minutes (never miss a trick!)

The speeches were very humourous, the music great and a brilliant party was had by all. In a rare twist to tradition after the bouquet tossing the bride gathered the men and threw her garter which yours truly duly caught. The boys in the cricket team will be aware that I rarely drop anything. However i'm not quite sure what catching the garter means but when I woke up the next day it was nowhere to be seen so clearly somebody wanted it more than me. A wedding in the midst of my travels was very well received and great to see Nick and Meg, Fi and Cam and congratulations to Lee and Roch and thanks again for a fantastic day.
With wedding over it was off to Melbourne to see my Granny who was visiting her sister and aunties, uncles, cousins, dogs and cats. Within 20 minutes of arrival my washing was in, breakfast was on the table and I was taking my nana and Libby through all of my photos. They sat patiently pretending to enjoy them and we had a good catch up. Nana then turned my jeans up for me and did the ironing and then we went round to my aunties to play cards where I promptly fleeced the family for a whopping 7 dollars. Putting it into perspective this was largely my relatives pension money, well if they choose to gamble....

The next few days saw me treated like a king round at nans house and taken to the Essendon game at the MCG where I was a bit of a bad omen as Essendon got beat. We had another card night and BBQ although this time I only won a dollar (ganging up on me!), and seeing my nana in the middle of Australia was fantastic. Thanks very much to all the family for looking after me, putting up with me and generally treating me to some luxury in the midst of my trip. In particular thanks to Nan for the home, Libs for the sensational curry (I owe you a dish!), Jim for the tickets to Essendon, Maddie for the lift and Aunt Jessie and Nana for the laughs. Hope you had a great time in Tassy and have stopped the bickering now! This left me with 3 more days to explore Melbourne before heading to Chile for the final chapter of my travelling book!