Ice Ice Baby, cross dressing leprecauns and crusaders on horse back!

Well it's been an emotional, exhiliarating and bloody expensive 6 weeks but I have finally reached my final night in New Zealand. And from start to finish it's been a jam packed catalogue of experiences and adventures. Bungy, canyon swinging, rafting, caving, climbing, abseiling, fishing, sailing, whale and dolphin watching, skydiving, luging, zorbing, ice climbing, snow patrol watching, caravanning (don't forget that!), trekking and super 14's have all come and gone and I am leaving this land a contented and fulfilled man who on more than one occasion has come very very close to soiling himself! Mind you I think i'd rather soil myself than using the camper van toilet especially after the Swede had been in there dropping bombs.

Last night saw the culmination of 6 wonderful weeks watching the mighty Crusaders crush the Stormers in Christchurch. T'was a very good game that the swede clearly had no understanding of and was a fitting end. We bumped into a random German and Dutch guy who also had no idea what had been going on and headed into town for more beer and one final session. All I can say is that today I surfaced at 4pm when rudely awoken by people checking into my hostel, and true to form managed to lose my 150 dollar jacket that I only purchased about 3 weeks ago, well I can't go to a country and lose nothing!

The last few weeks have been amazing. A full day trek on Franz Josef Glacier was fun and a bit hairy when our guide got a bit carried away seeking a çhallenge'as it was his last week working. I'd say a 80ft drop into a cravasse was a bit of a challenge with just two thin slippery bits of ice keeping you away from it. But it made the day a lot more worthwhile and we met some good lads from Luton of all places and had a good booze up that night.

I have been cross dressing in Wanaka for Paddys Day, driving into the astounding Milford Sound and belting out Snow Patrol ballads in the Auckland arena. Leaping from planes, bungys and canyons, trekking up unmarked mountains and glaciers and eating more Salt and Vinegar chips and sweets than ever before. Trying to fight with big Maoris, emptying portable toilets and cvatching my own dinner. It has all been thoroughly satisfying and now I have firmly ticked the kiwi box it's time to head back to Oz for the next month of madness.

Magical Milford

It is listed as the number one spot in New Zealand by the AA's 101 best spots to see, Rudyard Kipling called it the 8th wonder of the world and I call it quite simply bacon sandwich droppingly sensational.

OK so it rains almost every bloody day of the year and there's only one pub which does attract its fair share of freaks and hobbit lovers but the scenery and tranquility of Milford Sound is second to nothing I have ever or will ever see again.

As a massive fan of the good old English Lake District I couldn't wait to see the place described to me by one person as "ten times better than the lakes"! Knowing this was impossible in my head I was half hoping to be proven right but once we popped through the milford tunnel we were catapulted right into the heart of a mountain valley surrounded on all sides by towering granite cliffs, waterfalls spilling over ledges, snow capped mountains, lush forests and icy blue lakes and streams.



The Milford National park is set in fiordland and is home to some of the worlds greatest tracks, walks and tramps (not the cider slurping type). We found ourselves stopping every 5 minutes to take more photos, visit more things at the side of the road and more features of this amazing place. Even the titles of the signposted sights come from a magical, mystical world - Mirror Lakes, The Chasm, Lake Marion, The Divide, Mitre Peak, Dusky Sound, Mackinnon Pass and Dead Lake. The whole aura of this middle earth makes you realise that maybe Tolkien wasn't on magic mushrooms when he devised his Hobbit infested trilogy. Quite possibly he just lived in a treehouse in Milford!

I unfortunately didn't spot any hobbits, elves or wizards aside from a few lookey likeys in the Milford Arms that night but I did take in a cruise around the fiords which even included spotting a gang of seals lazing around, went off the beaten track with the crazy swede and the girls and climbed an unmarked mountain in the pissing rain. To say this was a bit hairy is an understatement but an absolutely comical and nerve wrackingly exhiliarating experience! It was very cold and very wet but for me one of the ultimate highlights of my trip to date. Anyone seeking a bit of inspiration or wanting to escape for a wee while get your hiking boots and smoking pipe packed and toddle off down here, you will love it!

Campervan Rant!

Ok so it sounds like a good idea, " Let's get a campervan and travel round New Zealand it will be brilliant!" but the reality of it has taken me back to the days of weekends in Caravan sites and reminded me of the very reason why I vowed never to spend a night in a mobile home ever again!

I'm definitely in the Jeremy Clarkson camp of thinking when it comes to caravans and more importantly the caravanning community. You know the type, they've been doing this for years, packing their stuff up on a Thursday evening, transferring contents of their kitchens, bathrooms and garages into the van so that they can get off early after work on Friday and avoid the traffic (or hold up the traffic). When they get to their field in the middle of nowhere it's time to unpack everything, plug in the electric, turn on the gas stove, make the tent outside and then sit back in the fold up chairs drinking a nice cup of tea in a plastic mug and nodding knowingly with a nice smile on their face at their fellow campers, maybe even inviting them over for a bit of cake and a night cap.
Well what made me think this would be any different in New Zealand I don't know but believe me it isn't, caravanners are the same the world over. In my head I had the idea of pulling in by the beach, having a swim, getting a barby going and getting sloshed with some other like minded young traveller types because you know everyone travels in camper vans in NZ. Little did I know it's pretty much illegal to stay overnight anywhere that isn't a holiday park place and that all the other campers are essentially not like minded but more from the purple rinse, nosey neighbour fraternity.

Pulling into the first site on day one of this adventure confirmed my fears. Maybe I should've listened to the woman at the time she was giving us the instructions on what to do with the van but after 3 hours of kiwi drawl my ears were bleeding and my head had developed a repetitive nodding motion. We were given a site in between two caravans and job one was to reverse this 6.6metre beast into the said space. I could feel the stare of the curtain twichers as they eyed up the new arrival but after a couple of re-adjustments I managed to carry off the reverse park and gain myself some temporary reprisement. Right, next job, plug in the electric and turn on the gas. Got to be a piece of cake but wasn't quite as simple as i'd imagined. Firstly the electric cable didn't reach the socket which meant driving in and out again and secondly I couldn't work out how to pull the step down at the door so had to keep climbing in and out of the van. The twitchers had multiplied and were having the most fun they'd all had since old Harold had guessed the exact weight of the cake at the 1994 Christmas fete.

After managing these feats I dived back in the van and decided that I didn't even want to think about what needed to be done with the waste water hose. Using the campground toilets was the answer. Mind you once you're in it's by no means over. These things are designed for people one inch thick and 3 feet high. You have to enter the all in one bathroom sideways. I nearly garroted myself on the grill handle about 4 times in the 'kitchen' area and in order to make up the bed you have to disassemble the dining table. It made the krypton factor look simple!

We have now had the van 5 days and are yet to empty the toilet. I'm kind of hoping the girls are doing it as I type as I have disappeared into Christchurch for the day and left them to it! The sink was half full with water and I think we may need to do something with the waste water hose but exactly what I have no idea of so again get out of the way for that. With 2 and a half weeks to go in this and another arrival in Tobey tomorrow i'm thinking of treating myself to a couple of nights in a hostel in Queenstown at the weekend. You'd think the training I had as a temporary member of the East Yorkshire Caravan Club would've bode me in good stead but I tell you right now if anyone ever sees me step foot in a mobile home after these 2 weeks are over you have my personal permission to shoot me!

Bungy - 18/2/07

Fifty metre plummet head first into a river
The palms are getting sticky, the body starts to shiver
Trying to find some inner calm, convince myself it's ok
If i'm ever gonna jump then it has to be today
It's just all about putting my trust in the hands
Of a couple of kiwis with a big elastic band
This is one thing in the world I never thought i'd do
Now i'm signing my life away at the front of the queue!
There's 4 of us here and peer pressure's kicked in
Now reality bites, I could do with a gin
I decide to go first, and it's time to go jumping
My snippet is twitching, I can feel my heart pumping
The boys strap me up and do the final checks
And the god's honest truth, I am shitting my kecks
Walk out to the edge and smile for the flash
Is it really too late to make a mad dash?
Then it's 3,2,1 bungy and I leap from the top
Completely convinced that my heart's about to stop
I make the first bounce and get flung to the skies
And eventually remember to open my eyes
My body is stiff but my heads coming round
As I hurtle back down to the lake and the ground
At last I take in what i've just bloody done
Welcome to New Zealand, the journey's just begun!

The Kiwi Experience - 4/3/07

New Zealand in the Summer is a joy to behold
A place for adrenaline junkies and a place to grow old
The scenery envelops you and leaves you in awe
With each corner you turn you have to pick up your jaw
There's so much open space, so much natural beauty
That you just have to explore, it's your god given duty
With mountains and lakes, rivers, glaciers and the coast
Ski slopes and volcanos, so much scope to boast
It's bewildering that there's only 4 million people here
I guess the only problem is there's nothing else near
So the kids flock to Europe and Oz to find employment
Seeking bright lights and big cities to arouse their enjoyment
The kiwis are renowned for their traveling desire
Broadening horizons, injecting life into the fire
But a few years pulling pints in a walkabout bar
And their done with their travels in lands from afar
As soon as the bell strikes on the old body clock
It's back to the motherland to work on the flock
And in this land of plenty where doors are left open
Neighbours know each other and so few laws are broken
there is no better place to bring up a child
And so many great spaces to let them run wild
So if anyone fancies a spacious, cheap simple life
Then sprint over here, but i'd bring your own wife!