Guest report from the Olsen Twins

Hi Fans,

Mary-Kate and Ashley here (aka Kate and Bec!) reporting from Hanoi's backpacking hostel...ooh i mean our penthouse suite from Hanoi's 7* hotel

Well it's a sad day today, as we leave our bodyguard, Mr Freel, behind and go our seperate ways. We've had some fun times, some tears and some tantrums... he cries like a baby when he gets going! But unfortunately it all has to end, the Freel's funds are running low and he can no longer afford our company, mud wrestling, or joint shower time. He took to his duties very well

We would like to rate his following skills with the obvious scoring system... bowls of rice invented by the Freel himself:

Drinking ability, and boy he proved that one on Ko Phanang 10 bowls

Ability to ward off the papparazzi with his rippling biceps (which happens around every corner) 10 bowls

Ability to respond to our every demand ( gaining extra points for the jewellery and chocolate picked out by himself) 10 1/2 bowls

Looks, physique and presentation, even when lacking in the side burn department 10 bowls

Entertainment skills, never a dull moment, poetry readings took care of that one 10 bowls

Security duties, even sacrificing his own bed to comfort us in ours 10 bowls

Personal Hygiene 1/2 bowl!

All in all, not a bad score. we would recommend his services to anyone!

We will miss you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

But there's just one question...which one of the twins is your favourite and how many bowls of rice is she worth??!!

On the Buses

Ok so being a traveller I expected to be using a lot of buses and went into this whole game pretty open minded about the whole shebang but I'm now getting to the point where I can understand why I have spent so much on cabs over the last 7 years! Let me just fill you in with a few reasons for my hatred of all things bus like:

1 - Horn beeping - In our civilised country a horn is used if you are about to mow someone down or if you see a tasty young filly on the pavement. In this place the driver uses his horn at every possible opportunity even though he has ample room to round mopeds or people and there is no need whatsoever to do so. Especially at 2am 10 hours into a journey when all you want to do is fucking sleep!

2 - Space Invaders - Having spent about 80 hours on buses in the past 2 weeks I have had enough of the fucking locals. Why they feel the urge to sit cross legged on the seat next to you, to tickle your feet with theirs as you try to kip and to sporadically brush against you is beyond me. And this is just the blokes! Next one to do it is getting a shoeing!

3 - Pit stops - With many lengthy journeys it is necessary to stop for a bit of food from time to time. However rather than stop at a perfectly decent restaurant or cafe in any town you are always ushered into the drivers mates shack and penned in and forced to order the overpriced rat fried rice shit that is serbed up from the kitchen/toilet section of this dodgy shithole. Excuse my French but i've had enough of this crap and as a result have been living off a diet of water, mentos and m and m's on my bus routes. The fact that SE Asia also has such crap snacks means you are doubly grumpy on the journey. And for the record I am 99% convinced that I did eat rat last night, considering on the way back from the loo/kitchen I saw the son of the family killing one in the alley!

4 - Arriving at destination - Similar to restaurants, you are always dropped at the drivers cousins shite overpriced hotel. No I don't want to fucking stay here. It's 12 miles from town and the rooms are wank, now drive on numpty boy!

5 - Entertainment - You may think that the land that flogs knocked off DVD's for next to nothing and has all the latest releases before they are out may stick one on to their DVD and TV during a 17 hour journey. Apparently not for it appears that Vietnams answer to Jane cruiseliner Karaoke whatshername is much better value. The fact that she even drowns out your ipod actually led me to bellow an obscenity last night. Mind you it did get turned down so that I could hear melodic Celine Dion through the ipod again - perfect.

The buses may be cheap as chips and may get you from A to B but in honesty I can't wait to get back on a plane for my next couple of legs of the tour. See you on Thursday Tommy when I fly back from Hanoi to Bangkok in the comfort of Vietnam airlines chariot of the sky!

Mud Wrestling the Olsen Twins

Travelling through Nam has been a real eye opener. The country has everything to offer from vibrant bustling cities crammed with activity and nightlife galore to deserted coastal beachfronts with not a soul in sight for miles. On top of that you have the French influence in idyllic little fishing towns such as Hoi An and there really is a plethora of tantalising fruits to satisfy every single palate.

We stopped at Nha Trang after Saigon and had a couple of days to explore this coastal resort and get the tan topped up in the meantime. I say resort because the place is well aware of the tourist market and rather than being an idyllic retreat is much more built up and even has a promenade type feature (reminiscent of Barcelona) protecting the housing and hostelries from the pretty choppy sea.

So myself and the Olsen twins decided to hire push bikes and search beyond the tourist zone and off we peddled with lashings of home made ginger beer on our adventure around this unchartered territory. About 2 miles out of town and the people had vanished. We had the roads and the coast virtually to ourselves (give or take the odd cow) and as the scorching sun beat down we took in the coastline scenery and got some very welcome exercise. Our mission was to find a deserted beach but it turned out that the coast was all rocks for about 15 miles and so plan B saw us set off to seek out the prolific mud baths and spa as advertised in the lonely planet bible.

What a bloody palava! After being sent in opposite directions by amused locals about 15 times my pedal decided it had had enough and decided to drop off the space age machine of a bike I had hired right in the middle of a busy bridge. Fortune was smiling on the Freel as about 20 yards up a local mechanic was welding some stuff and as I approached pedal in hand he almost welded his own nuts as he doubled over in stitches at the poor white mans predicament.

Saying that el weldo was a legend and 2 minutes later I was back on the road and eventually after about 30km of pedalling we found our way to the spa. Well worth it that's all I can say. Myself and the twins headed straight for the mud bath and knowing that this opportunity occurs as often as the solar eclipse I ensured that the sisters had a little wrestle whilst I took my ringside seat in the baths. After the excitement of this we soaked in the sun, rinsed off and bathed in a 38 degree pool before a gentle cycle back to the town - such a shit afternoon!
Nha Trang regardless of it's ok beaches, bizarre nightlife and relaxing persona will always be remembered for Mud baths and mechanics no matter what else it may have to offer.

Cu Chi Cu Chi Cu!

Get off my obstacle Private Pies! Arrived in Nam to the bright lights and mass chaos that is Ho Chi Minh City (formerly Saigon) and was astounded by it's sheer craziness. It puts Bangkok to shame and the number of mopeds buzzing around like supercharged hairdryers is quite simply ridiculous. Coming from laid back Cambodia into this doldrum of activity took a bit of getting used to although the difference was apparent as soon as I crossed the border.

The first thing that took my eye (apart from the 12 year old sentry sat on a roof with fully loaded machine gun!) was unsurprisingly a Cow. Merely 200 metres from the Hows in Cambodia this fella was entirely different, chocolate brown in colour, horned up and he'd definitely been dodging the salad! To sum it up Nam is a lot more advanced than Cambodia.

My main purpose in hitting Saigon was to do a bit of war stuff. Growing up on a diet of Platoon, Full Metal Jacket and Apocalypse Now had left me completely intrigued as to how a nation as small and poverty stricken as Vietnam could somehow manage to completely nail the giant American juggernaut. So at 8am the next morning it was off to the Cu Chi tunnels for me to see how the Vietcong (VC) had enacted their master plan of guerila warfare. Switch off now if this war shit is boring you.

Quite frankly I was amazed at this place and completely in awe at the VC's ingenuity and ability to turn their surroundings into the most effective weapon a war of this scale has ever seen. Guided by out tour rep 'Billy' who was a Vietnamese ex US Marine alcoholic who clearly loved Vietnam and now resides back here, we were taken round the Cu Chi area. First up was one of the holes the VC used to dig and hide in underground in order to find out where the yanks were and what they were up to. Billy invited us to try and fit into this and i'm telling you it's one of the tightest holes i've ever seen (stop it!). When the slightly chubby American girl went for her turn the whole party breathed in for her and somehow she just managed to squeeze her portly cheeks into the gap. It did however take 3 of us to haul her out and I almost put my back out in the meantime!

After seeing a number of gruesome and lethal looking traps including the aptly named ' Scrotum ripper' it was off to the star attraction, the tunnel system, which was the main reason the VC won the war and caused the yanks to go home. In a nutshell the little fellas lived under there on 3 levels and it was all designed to withstand bombing, flooding and enable the VC to launch surprise attacks, gather intelligence and all kinds of other things while the yanks didn't have a scooby where they were, let alone what they were up to or how many of them there were. To say the tunnels are compact is an understatement. Getting a yank soldier in there would be like trying to squeeze a watermelon into a keyhole, it just wasn't gonna happen.

Part of the trip allowed us to go through a tunnel so off we went slightly apprehensive but not one to look like a poof in front of the rest of the group in I popped. I shit you not these things weren't made for me and after about 10 yards I was already struggling to breathe and beginning to wonder whether i'd come out of it alive. Complete darkness, no idea where I was going and shuffling down in my tightest wicket keeper stance like a baby kangaroo I managed to reach the halfway mark (30 yards!) just about alive. With a tighter 30 yards to go to the end I decided to bail here along with the 6ft 5in Surrey boy in front of me and then proceeded to sweat profusely as my heart rate gradually returned over the next 2 hours. The fact that these VC dudes lived in these places for years is just fucking stupid and I thank the lord I was born in a place where houses and shit like that are pretty big. There is no way I would ever make it as a mole!

A good day out was topped off with a night on the lash back in nutty Saigon with a good squadron of people we'd met on the trip. Couple of English lashes, Big Si from Surrey and a couple of Canadian tree hugger type hippy boys made it a good night and I also hooked up with Kate and Bec again to continue our travels through Nam. Great start to the Communist adventure and now off to power northwards and see what else this ingenius nation has to offer.

Shankensville

4 days of culture and almost a week without a beach is enough to do any mans nut in so after seeing the slaughter and religion of Cambodia it was time to get to the beach sharpish so that I could back on the tanning mission. Yet another bus trip took me from Phnom Penh to Sihanouksville (aka Shankensville) and this one actually only took about 5 hours. Mind you it was an 8am start and as I congratulated myself on literally just making it, it suddenly dawned on me that one vital piece of equipment was lacking. We pulled out of the city and as I reached for my Ipod I realised that it would be a bit of a long reach as it was still plugged in charging in my guest house room! However, all was not lost! As I was thinking of ways to explain to Tommy that I had lost his Ipod barely 3 weeks into the trip I remembered I had a mate arriving in Phnom Penh that day and after a quick email once I arrived lo and behold the little legend only went and picked it up for me - Result!

Now I say Shankensville for one main reason. Most of the place names in this here Asia are not the easiest to pronounce. I was thinking it may just be me with this problem but after bumping into Kate and her sister Tooting Bec again it seems that their pronunciation is even more comical than mine. Even in London Bec asked a cabbie to take her to Barbecue instead of Barbican so you can imagine the trouble they're in over here. They left on the bus this morning to head to Cyclops formerly known as Saigon and now entitled Ho Chi Minh city, good luck to them in Vietnam!

Anyway this place is super chilled and an excellent retreat from anything else. I have been here 3 days now and have spent each and every one doing sweet FA on the beach and have even nearly finished Homers Odyssey (not as bad as I was thinking TP). The first night I met up with the girls and we went out for a bit of a mexican feast, at least it sounded like it was going to be a feast so we ordered 2 between 3 and when it arrived the ration police had been well and truly called out and so I had to resort to nicking some of the lads pizza on the table next door. Now it turns out that this kind gent is the number two beatboxer in the entire UK. I didn't have a scooby what the fuck beatboxing was but no sooner did I need wonder as he unleashed a plethora of noises from his ears, nose, and throat that was just ridiculously brilliant. God knows what inspires someone to wake up one day and go I know I'm gonna be a beatboxer but fair play to the lad from Nuneaton, he was legendary! In case anyones wondering who number 1 is apparently it's the guy who does the tune for the fruit pastilles advert (yep didn't ring any bells for me either!)

Anyway we had a fair few ales down by the beach and met some good lads and managed to get myself back in the girls good books after my lashed up bucket shenanigans in Ko Phanang. Last night was a quiet affair with a bit of tea down at the beach in front of the waves, a bonfire and some 'fireworks' that shot their bolt quicker than Big Trev will when he eventually gets his hands on a lovely lady. I am staying on here til Friday morning as Ipod boy will be arriving tomorrow with my delivery and then it's off to Vietnam on the 7am bus on Friday. Difficult decision for tomorrow, do I do the boat trip or spend the whole day on the beach again? Am starting to sound like a gloating bastard so will leave now and love as always to you all.

Stay Classy!

Freely x

Cambodian Cattle

I have to share this with you as the cows in Cambodia are fucking hilarious. They are sort of a mixture between a horse and a cow and have been renamed Hows by yours truly. Picture Peter Crouchs legs, the stomach of a Kwasiorkor sufferer, Gaz Wildes ears and comedy fake eyelashes and you've hit the nail on the head. Oh and they're all about the same skin colour as a Scotsman in mid winter.

They really are amusing and I can't stop thinking of Gaz when I see them. Yesterday one even strolled up to me and asked me if I'd wax its back. This morning as I was on my way beachwards I decided I had to get a snap of one of them on my new $5 throwaway camera and as it neared me and I took the smap it started to go for me. The locals looked on as I tried casually to turn and flee at thrice the pace I was previously engaging and the big fella stumbled after me for about 20 yards before he finally got sidetracked by a group of his mates playing topless volleyball to the Top Gun theme track. I have to find some way of getting the photo developed and scanning it for you and this is on my list of priorities when I arrive in Nam next week.

Culture Vulture

After the treks in the jungles of Northern Thailand and doing sod all on the beaches of the islands I have finally bitten the bullet and decided to throw myself into some culture and there's probably no better place to start than Cambodia. Having given myself a pretty strict time limit i'm not faffing around and on the one full day I spent in Siem Reap I took a TukTuk driver and headed for Angkor Wat. Angkor what I hear you ask! Well this is the biggest temple and group of temples in Cambodia and is the pride of this nation. Predominantly Hindu it also has temples for other faiths and gods including that Krisna bloke and a few of his pals. It looked pretty old but I can't remember when it was built and there are probably about 20 or 30 temples of differing sizes within a 20km kind of national temple park type place.

Having been boozing til 6am the night before Indiana Freel arrived about 12.30ish and set off to see the main building first. The approach is kind of scenic with a bridge leading you over the river towards the temple. Chinese people galore are snapping away frantically with their spanking new digital cameras which kind of pissed me off as I have now lost one and broken the replacement within 2 weeks. At this rate i'll be going through about 52 cameras! Anyway when I reached the temple I climbed up the pretty sheer face of it in true explorer style. They were sort of like little steps but once i'd got to the top I quickly regreted getting up there are started bricking it about how the fuck I was supposed to get down. Good views from up there though but in honesty all I could think about was getting down, and how the chubby 50 year old American bird had even managed to get up there herself! Eventually I spotted the escape, and the entrance by all accounts as there was one side with rails either side for you to get up and down. I'd only gone and rock climbed up the sheer side like some kind of nutter - did make me feel hard though! After that we went and looked at some other temples and saw baboon like monkeys running about the park and a brilliant sunset by Angkor Wat. You'll have to take my word for it as I failed to get any snaps.

Got lashed that evening with a couple of English girls and an Irishman and a few other English lads challenged me to a dance-off later on - the fools! The running man, chicken dance, the famous Freel shuffle and even a few break dancing moves had the crowd (of about 7) in raptures and although one of the lads did do a cracking swimmer manouevre it was really not much of a contest.

The next day I set off for Phnom Penh, Cambodias capital and home to the biggest rats I have ever seen in my life. I shit you not I saw a dead one as we arrived last night and had to properly hurdle it as I was walking along. Mind you i'm not surprised as the whole city is covered in shit. The bus journey should've taken 5 hours, that is until not one but 2 buses broke down en route and after summoning the worlds worst mechanic (he didn't understand when I asked for his City & Guilds certificate) he managed to break the bus even more. Eventually just as we were thinking we may have to camp out in the middle of rural Cambodia a local turned up in a minivan and made a fair few dollars giving us a lift the extra 80km into the city. We eventually arrived in his supercharged and overcharged van after 12 and a half hours on the road.

Today I went to see S21 and the Killing Fields. In short S21 is the jail used by the Khmer Rouge to torture and imprison anyone they didn't like. It used to be a primary school and they basically converted the classrooms into single cells, double cells and mass cells and it is a horrifically eery place. There are torture weapons all over the place and hundreds of skulls of the victims. Of the 17,000 people imprisoned here less than a dozen survived! The place gave me the shits and when I saw the old crucifix posts that they yanked these people onto to torture and read some of the stories from relatives of the dead it was truly shocking. And all this stuff happened in the last 25-30 years within most of our lifetimes.

To cheer myself up I headed to the happily named Killing Fields on the back of a moped with my driver Bambam (that's what it sounded like anyway). Unsurprisingly this didn't really lift my mood too much as this is a number of mass graves where people were brought to their slaughter, turning up on trucks and being executed upon arrival and tossed in a ditch. The memorial that has now been erected in the centre of the grounds holds thousands of skulls and remains of the people who were dug up from here once the Khmer reign was overthrown. I'd had my fill of grief for one day and left feeling very fortunate and in need of something lighter so I popped into a bar and watched the jocks whip Romania at rugby only to be told that the Argies had beaten England! please tell me Robinson has gone! All in all it's been a pretty depressing day and i'm now off to watch Spurs play Reading. Odds on they'll top off the day with defeat but I'm off to the beach tomorrow in South Cambodia for a bit of respite before heading into Vietnam and more war discoveries at the weekend.

Smiles and piles from Cambodia

Took a 13hr bus ride from Bangkok to Siem Reap yesterday and I shit you not my ass has only just stopped feeling numb. Picture being dragged by your ankles attached to a galloping horse with only a tea tray strapped to your cheeks over 4 foot high moguls and you'll get close. Mind you for 4 quid what can you expect! In honesty it wasn't as bad as it sounds but the road was comedy. Apparently some rich airline is paying the Cambodian government not to fix it so that it discourages people from travelling by bus. Not me though, i'm a fucking traveller now! (whatever!)

Anyway we arrived in Cambodia last night and found a decent guest house for $3.75 a night. Am sharing a room with an Irish guy called wedge who's a good lad and he's travelling with a couple of girls with ooh-aaarrrr accents from Cirencester or somewhere like that. Anyway after dumping bags last night we hit the town and ended up in the weirdest locals discotheque I have had the pleasure to see. Some serious hardcore raving with 4 foot Cambodians and they began to get a bit scared. Now our wedge is not a small boy and when his windmill kicked into action the locals were fleeing. Very amusing night!

Cambodia is a beautiful country from what I have seen so far. Driving in last night as the sun was setting was breathtaking. It was like a giant peach sinking its teeth into the lush green grass and reflecting off the tranquil waters of the paddy fields. Local fishermen ranging in age from about 8 to 80 were casting their nets underneath this backdrop as we bounced on by along the burnt orange dusty track. The mix of colours and the moment itself was truly amazing and I really did have a homosexual moment for a while along that road. The people as well regardless of their poverty and past history looked genuinely happy, a genuine community and it really was one of the best things i've ever seen. Anyway I wrote this to summarise briefly:

Sitting and sweating, riding a bus on a rickety road through Cambodia
Watching the kids in their home made shacks, the reality grabs hold of you.
They stand by the road watching the white folk go by
with a smile on their face and a glint in their eye.
This nation that has suffered such intolerable pain
has buried its dead and is rising again.
The housing is basic made from wood, cloth and tin
but the sense of community has been built from within.
My first impressions of the place as I crossed at the border
was extreme poverty and disease under strict law and order.
But as I gaze out of this window and see peoples faces
i'm incredibly drawn to this most endearing of places.

Chilled one minute drilled the next!

So after 6 days on the party capital island of Thailand all roads have led me back to Bangkok where I now find myself sitting to report on the last week or so's activities.

Where to begin - Ko Phanang is one of the better islands i've been to so far. It's not outright breathtakingly gorgeous and in the lead up and aftermath of full moon the beach can resemble a rubbish dump, but the atmosphere and nightlife is nothing short of sensational! We were staying for 6 nights after being on Ko Samui for 3 nights too long (full of families and ladyboys) and we booked into some cool beachside bungalows for about 4 quid a night. We managed to amass a solid unit of men and women consisting of 4 swedes, 4 canadians, me and the ozzy (i'm flying the flag for England as best as possible but somehow a fair few chavs have managed to slip over here which is not good!)

It's hard to remember which night was which as we mixed chilling ad watching dvd's in the aptly named Lazy House with going full out and getting absolutely rendered on Sunrise beach. The odd mushroom potion was thrown in sporadically and all in all the week kind of merges into one. I did meet up with Kate and her sister who I know from London but ended up getting absolutely ruined on my first Thai buckets of the holiday. The fact I had only eaten 2 boiled eggs for breakfast probably didn't help and for those of you in the sweepstake this was where I lost my camera and had my favourite shoes nicked! (sorry Cazza!) I also lost the plot slightly and having only met Kate twice before I apologise now for being a slightly drunken Freel liability (most of you may have seen me like this once or twice before!) The day after was a relaxing one and we hired some bikes and found a deserted beach which was most pleasant and just chilled a bit in the lead up to full moon.

Mushroom night has been discussed below and the night before full moon was destined to be a quiet one. Myself and Nick went to watch the Mai Tai boxing and see some Thai guys kick the living shit out of each other. I have photos and videos of this and once I get a minute to teach myself how to upload them on here I'll try my best (maybe Christmas). After this we were heading home but I coaxed Nick into the mountain bar for one and as we walked in we were greeted like locals. This is when I first felt that I had arrived on the holiday as the bar was full of people we'd met over the past 2 weeks and the swedes and canadians were cheering us in. We had a top night and got to bed about 5ish.

FULL MOON - The event itself is actually held the day after the full moon and is pretty much just an excuse to get absolutely royally spasticated on a beach about 100 metres long with about 20,000 other crazy kids. We warmed up by painting each other with Swedish flags (I'm a team player and they had the paints) and other psychadelic patterns and had a few warm up beers before heading down to the beach. Some of the mushroom men went for their daily shake but being a beer lover and having tried my one for the holiday I stuck on the 6.4% Chang. Highlights of the evening include watching a couple fucking in the middle of the beach at 1am (very early and clearly English, probably northern!), watching the sun rise on the beach in a deckchair with 2 tuk tuk drivers and their families, going for a 10am swim with my Swedish mate Toby and both saving each other from drowning and breaking my second camera which i'd bought the day before for 100 quid (big bucks out of my budget!). It is one of those things you have to do in your life, it is crazy but it is also a bit Maguluf meets Fabric meets Uni Nightclub. Granted the setting is slightly better but for me it's one of those things that should only be done once or maybe twice (and my second will be next month with the Fox!)

The following day was a bit of a write off after about 20 Changs and getting to bed at 11am and then yesterday I left the island on my monumental 17 hour mission back to Bangkok. For those of you concerned about my literary progression I have been keeping a weekly diary and have now nearly read 3 whole books! Am currently on Dirty Havana Trilogy which is absolute filth (Cheers Tommy!). Haven't quite got round to starting on Homer (not Simpson Off) yet but am sure I will get to it soon.

I am off to book a trip to Cambodia and the next 3 weeks will see me flying solo through Cambodia and Vietnam and then hooking up with Toby in Laos for a bit of tubing down the Mekong. At the end of that the Silver fox will be coming to join me by which time I may be resembling Osama bin laden and may have just transformed from pinkish to rouge!

Mashed swedes!

Sweden 14 points! Some people may argue that the only good things to come out of sweden were IKEA and ABBA but frankly they are both shit and for girls. It is becoming increasingly clear to me that the Swedes have got life pretty much sorted. Not only do they constantly walk around with a smile on their faces, manage to somehow get all over tans while still maintaining their blondeness but they are also incredibly funny and liberal after drinking magic mushroom shakes!

Last night a group consisting of 4 swedes, a canadian, an ozzy and myself decided to sneak up to the dodgy mountain bar and sample the local delicacy. As I sat there waiting for something freaky to happen or a group of flying squirrels to attack, the group around me gradually began to act more and more strangely. The shake itself looked a bit like a soil sample that had been watered down and tasted like stewed copper with grains of sand - the ozzy loved it but then again that came as no surprise.

After a while the mushys began to kick in and after a very heavy night of booze the night before my guts were showing early signs of rejection. The rest of the group had started raving away to the background drum n bass while I was just trying to stop myself from barfing and keep a cool looking persona at the same time. We decided to have a stroll down the beach and let the shrooms take control and after a while things settled down slightly and the limbs began to feel very weary. After grabbing a few beers and heading back to our bungalows things definitely took a strange turn for the better. Giggling filled the night sky and even the most mundane things became hilarious. The Swedes decided it might be time for a bit of nudity and in their unique liberal way wapped them out. Well if you can't beat em....

Very random night and peculiar experience ended some hours later and my sleep was constantly interrupted by vivid images (unfortunately not of swedes) and flashing bright lights. I think i'll leave the mushys to the hippies but for anyone ever venturing over here I would recommend finding a few of Svens army and getting them up to the aptly named mellow mountain bar! It's definitely worth it for the sightseeing.

The Beach
At last after the smells and freaks of Bangkok and foraging around in the bush (not that kind) up North we finally made it to the islands and rocked up at Koh Samui about 5 days ago. Arriving at midnight wasn't the best form and we got stitched up with the last remaining bungalow with only a double bed so spoons it was with me and the Ozzy boy although I did insist on being the spooner rather than the spoonee. Better to be the plug than the socket.

Koh Samui is the largest of the Thai islands and it shows. Again the main street is awash with diesel jeans, quicksilver boardies and juicy bikinis all quite clearly 'Genuine' and all ranging in price from about 4 to 20 quid depending on your bartering skills. Being raised as a Blackpool boy these goons don't fool me and I snapped up a couple of pairs of Billabong shorts for a tenner - result I thought only to find my first pair ripped after 1 days usage! The rest of Samui is a bit toss in honesty. Rented a scooter and almost immediately killed myself. Yep course i've ridden before I assured the owner as I pulled out a bit too sharply into oncoming traffic. Second thoughts best go back and get a helmet!

The 'attractions' in Samui are few and far between and the Grandfather and Grandmother rocks were the first pitstop. These were supposed to resemble male and female genitalia although the erection wasn't exactly the most impressive i've ever seen (leave it) and I couldn't even find the female parts (not for the first time). Next stop the famous waterfall and I was picturing the scene from Cocktail, you know Elisabeth Shue whipping off the bikini top to show the ample curves that was pretty much every teenage boys first bit of material in my day, obviously with the exception of Wincy Willis showing you her warm front. Alas after a 20 minute scoot the waterfall was sans water and we were looking at more of a trickles than a falls.

After that spent the next couple of days at the beach and that was the place to be. It was pretty quiet over in Samui but we did end up meeting some Canadians (loads of them over here) and a couple of Israeli guys who've just finished their 4 years National service (didn't mess). Frank the tank was on good form and although I declined to do the naked dash through town I did comfortably drink these boys under the table and stayed up to see Chelsea play Barcelona til 5am.

Am now in Ko Pha Ngan getting fired up for the full moon party this Sunday. There is noticably a lot more ladies on this island and it is noticably much much younger than me! Am meeting up with a friend from London probably tonight (that's Kate if Off and John are reading) and am thinking I may well get on the buckets of Thai whiskey (turned out to be a bad idea!). I'm sort of working on a one night on one night off drinking thing but am drinking far far less than in London which leads me to think maybe it was you lot who were the bad influences! It also has something to do with the chilled out movie bars over here where you literally just rock up in a bar, sprawl over these little cushion things and watch the latest films whilst sipping away on a local brew - what a life!

Will check in if i'm still alive after this weekend, Ozzy dude is keen to try some magic mushroom shakes tomorrow so it may be Monday by the time i'm thinking straight again. If you see a random entry about trees attacking me or giant monkeys smoking cigars then you'll know that the mushroom shit was good!